Interpretation of Clytie (from 2008)

With the rising sun there is always change
Cracking the serenity of our slumber
Bleeding oranges and reds
Oh you'd never leave me, oh reliable you.
I'd pack my bags, sell my worldly possessions
Just to be able to taste you.

I kneeled down with the lowest of low-
Equal to but not greater than the
Gravel embedded in the roadways.
I'll remain here, affixed, until we meet again.
Convolutions of necessities, altered perceptions
You were all I could see, all I wanted to see.

There is majesty in this.
The sun more and more subdued with each encounter,
I can now stare it in the eyes and call it mine
I have yet to learn how to let go.

Moving Day.

The only thing I want right now is one night uncommitted with you.

Nights like we used to have. Innocent and full of laughter on the couch.

I wasn't deceiving you, you honestly did make me belly laugh.

But now this entire house is in disarray, and you, far removed seem to not care.

God dammit, I wish that I saw one moment from you that was vulnerable.

I think then, maybe, I'd understand any of this.

But I don't, and most likely never will.

I have never felt my heart bend as much as it is right now.

With all of the changes - it's been purgatory - and you know this, it's absolutely not fair.

I don't deserve a god damn lick of this, at all.

Fuck this, I am going to bed.

Old Hat.

The cat is tearing away at the reclining portion of the couch and is slowly working his way to my feet. He gets in these fits, constantly. He balances them with these tender moments of wonder - that's why he is the most wonderful being I have encountered in ages sadly enough.

I'm down to the last half of my last warm beer and I don't mind, just let it flow.

We're afraid of our shadows or just in the face of nihilism (they are one in the same). You struggle with improvement, with challenge. Whatever it may be the answer is in your grasp.

Allusions to a Reminder (At Least Right Now)

Don't be hopeful. You can't be hopeful. At least not right now.

Finally a true understanding of that Fitzgerald quote, the one about being a Romantic. There is hope against hope for the first time in life, and it's because this feeling is fleeting. It has to be. At least right now.

Remember girl from the Underground, this is like the snow. It's the cold obstacle that inevitably sparks new birth and growth. It doesn't last but it sure as hell inconveniences you while it is there. It blinds you from completely seeing the world around you. It's seemingly beautiful but it's actually this bitter biting thing. It is winter after all despite these deceptive waves of warmth lately. Bundle up (good thing you like scarves). At least right now.

Happiness will come to you Rhoda, wallflower extraordinaire. Just find solace in the ebb and flow of The Waves. Find your peace in the subtle sounds and the pale blues and greens. The tides come and go, and cradle you in their undulation. Don't toe the edge of the cliff, at least not right now.

It'll be spring soon Persephone. Soon you'll get to dance in the grass feel the warmth of the sun touch you in everything you do. But it can't be that way, at least for right now.

It's winter and you made that bitter biting bet with the devil. Sure it's temporary but it's there and you have to face it, at least for right now.

Charge the giants Quixote, in your ill fashioned armor/amour (both suffice). Be relentless and one day you'll become that amorous knight in a world of crude scholars, and you know that you can go on tireless and still remain heels deep in what you believe in. You know you can do this at least for right now.

Complete Control

I am going 120 mph, but its fine, slow down, it'll be over soon.

Tonight for the first time in a long time I have started to write down questions and statements beyond pure research and quotation. It feels amazing.

For those (the few) who are interested, I have picked up my Foucault research from college again and I am starting to continue that (ease up St. Paul, it's been a two year love affair with you and my heart can't take anymore)

It essentially started as a parallel between the development and function of monasteries in relation to the development and function of prison systems around the world. I find a strong connection architecturally but goes so far beyond that... practice, socialization, what not etc. blah blah

But tonight while I was re-reading Ethics: Subjectivity and Truth by Foucault I developed a question that I feel is at the root of every paper I have written and researched, and essentially the root of my entire philosophy:

"What happens when you switch the gaze of "discipline" from being a "technique of domination" to the starting point of being a "self technology"/"technique of self"?

Yes I am sure the question is quite convoluted or maybe even complete non-sense. But for the first time in my life I am starting to realize the entire basis (maybe thesis to you who dare) of thought... what happens when we starting framing in terms of self as opposed to a complete control (yes a nod to The Clash) beyond the propelling of the self.

Again, I am most likely muddled, but I am working out the best of ways to express this.

I just want to know what a language of the self opposed to a language of faith (this includes but is not limited to religions) What does it mean to believe and see beyond yourself?

I'll leave it here, as i continue to be stalked and attacked by the cat, Sabotage... that handsome yet asshole of a cat. He bites me constantly, yet I still adore him. I don't get it.

Best,

Sarah